Why?

Heh.. this morning was... interesting.
It was the usual
except i wasn't anxiety filled for once, actually more apathetic (bahaha oh the clique...)
I tried to get ready and everything *it wasn't enough*
It's strange, when I hear about how hard someone is trying at the simplest of tasks if they are mentally... cut down, But now I understand what they mean.
Just being able to say "I'm trying to" to just get ready in the morning of a simple 10 minutes routine,get up, brush hair/straighten,brush teeth, makeup if wanted, get dressed, shoes, leave.
I just could NOT do it for some reason or another, it's strange out it feels, its strange how it works
and how it actually goes about doing what it does.
some how end up getting in a staring competition with the wall, and some how win (wtf?)
then you think you were only there for a minute or two, then you realize you've been sitting there for a full 15 minutes +
hmm.. well anyways..
My mom yelled at me, asking if i wanted medz, to be just like my oh so beloved princess aunt.
telling me," fine, be that way, idk how to handle people like that.
Why don't you ever understand all i do in the morning?
I'm going to call grandma, and I'm going to call your doctor
I'm going to tell them that idk what to do with you,I'm going to tell your doctor that youve decided to give up."
---
so..This vicious circle of mine, I hate it (who wouldn't?)
I feel like such a jerk for being a jerk to my mom, well im not really a jerk, it's just how I do somethings that bother her that I havn't found a way to change.
I know her past, and I know how it affected her,and if anything thing,
She's in the same position as I am, if not worse, But she pushes on, with out medication
all though I guess shes self medicating because shes a gambling addict as well as a Smoker and a Drinker. She's blind.
But I only hurt myself saying these things about her.

even though she doesn't talk to me often, maybe 5 minutes a day all together,even though when I do talk to her its usually a

"I'm busy talk to me later," or a
"Can't you guys leave me alone?"

or "Im relaxing, go do something."
or a friendly "I don't know why I have to do all of this!!!"

I feel my emotions are her fault. (not completely and utterly)
Because of how she makes me feel, not talking to me, then turns around to yell at me if I do something wrong. I don't know its strange, shes a good person, but I don't know, is it just the face she wears or what? maybe it's me? am I wearing a face that I didn't know existed?

hmm.. I admit, I have suicidal feelings,I'd totally give all of this up right now,if I knew it wouldn't effect people close to me.I'm sure alot of people would if it wasn't for them.
Sure they help, but I don't know.

"You can't help anyone else, till you help yourself."
"No one can help you till you help yourself."

I don't know how I can help myself, I can't remember how I did it the first time. Some how the first time threw my regrets over my shoulders and walked away, just out of no where. I hold no regrets these days. But How'd I get back to this point??
*sigh*
Fucking emo kid who claims his way to be goth