so...dotdotdot

I was thinking
bahaha happy 4/20
seriously though, it reminded me of me only boyfriend o:
and also made me realise its been 4 years
(wtf kind of person goes single for 4 years when they look like me!? {bahah me duh}]
but yeah idk it's weirdoo >x0
and gay >:0

Everything is all~

Chill naow |BD=--..

yeah, sped moment, hellz yeah, rock on matha fucka o: ..
mm.. now im really bored again..
maybe thas ist why i was pissed n_n *nod* must be :l... well that was exciting..
*dances to music (^',')^*

fucking hell!

I am impeccably pissed off

I don't even know wtf I'm pissed off about, I'm just dieing to punch someones faces and shut something up, idk I JUST WANT TO FUCKING BREAK THE LIVING HELL OUT OF SOMETHING

jesus fucking christ, jesus fucking christ, how many times can i fucking say fuck fucking hell fuck fuck fucking fuck fuckity fuck fuck FUCk

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL AM I FUCKING GETTING FUCKING MORHTER FUCKING FUCK FUCK PISSED FUCKING ABOUT!?!?!?!?1!?/??@?@??2?@!
jesus FUCING CHRIST I CAN"ST STOP TYPING TAHT WHY THE HELL FUCKING NOT?!

freaking slap something silly...
i wanna laugh so bad
but imma freak if i do, like i don't even know dude, like idk
i fucking Do Not Fucking Even Fucking Fuck fFuck Know

TO HELL THIS POST MAKES SENSE

oh em gee > w<

Im talking to a hottie bahahhaha totally awesome BD==-----

droolll~ x] lol
too bad he doesn't live here :<... >.>... and didn't have a special other bahah oh well~
internet dating = no

...although he was saying i was cute as a guy >.>
but id be ugly as a girl <_<.. *le sigh* bahahahah XD

Past brought up in welding class`

Yep, so... it was kinda of out of no where, like I swear.
Im pretty sure in the begining of the year, I thought/KNEW that this kid i mildly liked's girlfriend
was this chick that stole my only boyfriend.


FUNNY THING ABOUT THOUGH
Turned out, IT WAS TRUE (damn im good BD)

TT .TT le sigh... so no only did she stealmy only boyfriend, but shes also the girlfriend of a mega mild crush =\... oh well he was only suited for eye candy anyways

Pretty much it for today.. maybe another post in a couple of hours..

Suicide note

--=== No this isn't a real suicide note ===--
I was thinking about this morning, and my other posts that I made in one day *haha*
and, I was thinking..

"What if I really lost it and decided to really end it all?"
"Would I write a note?"
"how long would it be?"
"to whom would it adress?"

So I figured, why not see what I would decide to put
in such a letter.

Dear family and beloved friends,

Good Bye Forever

...Then again I probably would not write a note
Because:

1. I just said I "snapped" far enough to actually kill mysel if I can write a note, I might as well fix w.e is wrong right??
2. Why write a note?... @.@ well i suppose theres a couple of reasons,but I wouldn't do it thats for sure haha, other then maybe.... (edits the top) yeah,that would be accurate.

So yeah, that'd be my suicide note. well, I'll edit this later hahahah :l
if I didn't kill myself >.>.... bahahahah bad joke

Why?

Heh.. this morning was... interesting.
It was the usual
except i wasn't anxiety filled for once, actually more apathetic (bahaha oh the clique...)
I tried to get ready and everything *it wasn't enough*
It's strange, when I hear about how hard someone is trying at the simplest of tasks if they are mentally... cut down, But now I understand what they mean.
Just being able to say "I'm trying to" to just get ready in the morning of a simple 10 minutes routine,get up, brush hair/straighten,brush teeth, makeup if wanted, get dressed, shoes, leave.
I just could NOT do it for some reason or another, it's strange out it feels, its strange how it works
and how it actually goes about doing what it does.
some how end up getting in a staring competition with the wall, and some how win (wtf?)
then you think you were only there for a minute or two, then you realize you've been sitting there for a full 15 minutes +
hmm.. well anyways..
My mom yelled at me, asking if i wanted medz, to be just like my oh so beloved princess aunt.
telling me," fine, be that way, idk how to handle people like that.
Why don't you ever understand all i do in the morning?
I'm going to call grandma, and I'm going to call your doctor
I'm going to tell them that idk what to do with you,I'm going to tell your doctor that youve decided to give up."
---
so..This vicious circle of mine, I hate it (who wouldn't?)
I feel like such a jerk for being a jerk to my mom, well im not really a jerk, it's just how I do somethings that bother her that I havn't found a way to change.
I know her past, and I know how it affected her,and if anything thing,
She's in the same position as I am, if not worse, But she pushes on, with out medication
all though I guess shes self medicating because shes a gambling addict as well as a Smoker and a Drinker. She's blind.
But I only hurt myself saying these things about her.

even though she doesn't talk to me often, maybe 5 minutes a day all together,even though when I do talk to her its usually a

"I'm busy talk to me later," or a
"Can't you guys leave me alone?"

or "Im relaxing, go do something."
or a friendly "I don't know why I have to do all of this!!!"

I feel my emotions are her fault. (not completely and utterly)
Because of how she makes me feel, not talking to me, then turns around to yell at me if I do something wrong. I don't know its strange, shes a good person, but I don't know, is it just the face she wears or what? maybe it's me? am I wearing a face that I didn't know existed?

hmm.. I admit, I have suicidal feelings,I'd totally give all of this up right now,if I knew it wouldn't effect people close to me.I'm sure alot of people would if it wasn't for them.
Sure they help, but I don't know.

"You can't help anyone else, till you help yourself."
"No one can help you till you help yourself."

I don't know how I can help myself, I can't remember how I did it the first time. Some how the first time threw my regrets over my shoulders and walked away, just out of no where. I hold no regrets these days. But How'd I get back to this point??
*sigh*
Fucking emo kid who claims his way to be goth

Morning life/ other life

So, every morning its the same thing.

Wake up at roughly 5:45 , but not really, more like lay there for like 15 minutes (if not longer)
then get up, sit on the floor or on the couch in the living room for 30 minz
get yelled at, stand up , oh the pain..., get yelled at more, goes to bath room, does hair and stuff and stuff
go back to room, sit down to take a breather because of this damned ribcage of mine,
get yelled at more to hurry up and finish getting ready, get anxietied about the day before me, freak out, get yelled at, get yelled at more "whats wrong?!"
then get yelled at more "Why is it every morning, you can't take care of yourself? why do i have to get you ready in the morning along with myself, and feed the dogs and do the dishes"
or my favorite "Everythings about you isn't it? you just enjoy making me late for work (haha no you enjoy making yourself late to work so you can relieve your stress on me)"

mm.. so yeah..
--
--
so i started to talk to derek again..
But before that i was thinking
"hell i still like him...why?"
its been roughtly 4 months since ive spoken to him last
and idk... its just gay, utterly gay
i know hes creeped out by me :l..

and i know i shouldn't like him either

so yeah... hmm...

MEUSIK TYHM

Listen, crack, now,yes.

'nother fluggin post

I'm Walking the very fine line of Insanity and creativity (me thinks)
Though I wish it was genius, and insanity, or all three! bahaha that'd be more exciting me thinks
--
I Live my life by quotes, lotsa lotsa quotes.
I don't know by whom most of them are by, infact, all of them, But HEY
here you go :B

"You become what you hate"
"keep your friends close, your enemy's closer"
"Never leave those you love for those you like, because those you like will leave you for those they love"(unless you are who they love then yeah ;B)
"

★☆:.:☆★
Some I looked up, but are just as effective as the above
★☆:.:☆★

“Innovation is the difference between Leader, and follower."
"Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training."
(I don't like writers bahaha)
"An original writer is not one who imitates nobody, but one whom nobody can imitate"

------

Just a random thought, Ever notice how, when you learn something extremely hard

"There's a Art to it ya know"

What does that make an Artist? Does that make them an elite being? I doubt it. though they can handle a brush or a pen, or other mediums, That does not mean that they can....(shit my train of thought just crashed in a valley) Take on other tasks. Though, with an artistic mindset, I'm sure things are hell easier then for those who don't have said mindset.

-------

Thinking about it (something else yet again) Now that I have a blog.. maybe when I look at something, and stumble upon others blogs, maybe I should take the time and read a couple of their posts.. Maybe I will stumble across something life changing.

★☆:.:☆★
I think too much don't I?
★☆:.:☆★

YEE ANOTHER POST BAHAHA

★☆:.:☆★
Okay so um..
I was just going over other posts (you: wtf why are you posting about what you posted?! fag)
bahaha
anyways
I was thinking.. about all the things I've recently thought I've wanted to do, or thought of possibly being

--
An artist
--
I can't handle it as it is, but oh how I enjoy feeling the graphite scrap and rub off on the paper, creating a 3-D object on a 2-D plane

--
A philosopher
--
Well, That's not really a profession, nor is it really helpful (I suppose it is though, it helps me tehe...)
But hey, I question a lot of things, and give a lot of answers too, but um.. You know, there's not much left to really philosophize about now a days.

--
A teacher
--
I thought it'd be the best thing I could do the for the world, out of anything else I thought I could possibly have done.. well more like will be doing, since I have not done anything with this life yet.

--
The Police
--
Yeah I've thought about being in the police, but then I realized how often I'd probably end up pulling over my friends. Yeah that would not be a very good thing bahahaha
And if I did finish the Academy, if I had to get shot with a tazer (fucking spell check)
end up peeing myself, bhahahahahahha xD

--
A Scientist
--
So I've always wanted to be a scientist, ever since I was young.
I remember being asked "What kind of science are you interested in?"
I gave them a "what the hell you talkin about" look, I did not know there was such thing as more than one science hahahaha, but that was before I got into art.

I don't like this post very much, imma end it here
★☆:.:☆★

Yes I know/Get in my head./Distasteful

I know I'm posting a lot. I have too much on my mind to not post.

I'm glad I have music from my past.
It's weird to say *as I spill my heart into this journal that the world can see* that um...
at some point in my life, I was so depressive that I can't remember a good portion of my past.
There is a big hole in the memory of my past, but recently stumbling upon a CD I used to listen to when I think I was 8, brought back so many memories. It's strange.
I know that sounds, and smells, and colors are the objects that hold memories, and refresh them best, but... I don't know.
--
--
As I sit, I wonder too much. (obviously)
About the whole anxiety thing.
What will happen in the near future or far future
Will I exist in either?
How long will I exist in either?
How do I effect the world?
Am I just another leaf floating to the ground from the tree of life? (lol..)
Why am I alone?
Am I truly alone?
Why do people get to the way they do.
Is it possible to love something that does not exist?
Dare I ever show this to someone close?
How many people will look at this and just toss it to the said with no other thought then "fucking emo kid"
But Am I emo? answer: everyones emo, theyd be a rock if they werent.
Am I neglected?
Am I neglectful?
What Am I truely? Male or Female? or genderqueer?,
Who am I?

Should I just stop typing this and get outside and enjoy the world? answer: duh :B..

What would the effect of that be? answer: None, just another fealther falling form the sky unnoticed as people continue with their daily commute.

Is it possible to live in another world? answer: yeah, but either a: your a mental, or b: its the far future and earthlings left earth, feeling a lost emptiness , as if leaving your mother.
--
--
So, Now I'm wondering
"Why the hell am I trying to create a fan-base as an emo kid, skinny jeans, girls tight jacket with hoodie, the works, why? it's not me, its obviously not me, though i let my personality shine through."

But why does anyone want to be popular?
Sure people enjoy when they get compliments.
Not me, sure they are nice everyonce a while, when well earned, but when you go out and dig for them, fish for them, with a fucking butterfly net, what's the point?

All value is lost.

Just like in life.
Put it this way. If you cheat in a video game, all enjoyment value is lost, because you get everything you want, game over.
What about life?
What if your trillion dollar rich father (bahah extreme [misspelled rich as rice {the fuck?}])
paid for everything you could ever want and/or need.
What value is there left in life? you are left disabled, unable, to truely do anything yourself. Because you arn't your father, whom toiled for his daily earning just to pay for the electricity to be turned back on.
--And this leads me to why, Rich kids can be emo kids too. There is nothing left for them, personal value that is. -- continueing..
you lay lisurely on you're fitted ass (you got a gym in your house you know if your rich)
getting your bidding done by maids and servents who live a more fruitful life then yourself.

whom is this "you" I speak of?
anyone who does not know the value of hardwork, the value of a dollar, or just the value of accomplishment.

I'm a proud individual, who can say,
No, I did not join this because it'll make my resume look better for myself. But if I did join it, it's because I purely, and wholy wanted to do it for myself, or better of the whole.
--
--

★☆:.:☆★

These are just the thoughts, of what I assume to be a typical teenager.
though I feel I have lived others lives, I'm sure it's the common "I know everything" teen ager syndome.
(here have some stars!)
★☆:.:☆★

Anxiety.. /Note to self

Dot dot dot.... yeah.. it's so exciting..
I don't even know what induced it.

It just happens, Out of no where

sudden feelings of fear, over nothing.
just standing there, start shaking a tad bit on the inside.
sudden thoughts of, "shit maybe I might have to go to the hospital.."
"god damn it i can't breath"
You're chest gets tight, suddenly conscious of your racing heart beat.
You really know its a normal heart beat, but it doesn't feel like it at the same time.
your throat gets tight, you feel dizzy when you are perfectly fine.

Why? Why does this happen?

"Try basic relaxing methods." she says

They don't work
the best thing that works is staying home, or the simple comfort of your oh-so caring not caring mother.
A childish fear just like when you walk into your kindergarten classroom, for the first day of school, then you turn around to see your parent starting to walk away, to the door.
You want to cry, and you do.

Why is all I can ask.

I'm tired of living my life this way, even if it has only been 4 months, so long, but so short when compared to a life span.
--
on another note..
--
I'm glad I have a some-what fantastic sense of street smarts.
But that doesn't get you into college, that doesn't get you a degree, that gets you a good job.
But does it in the end? which matters more?

A good word for you on your resume, or being able to connect with others on another level that most can't?

Most of my family members and friends, all can read at a high level, can write a college level.
I know not everyone can be smart. nor have common sense.
I know i have common sense, but, I want to able to persuade people to the better.
How can I do that if I don't have book smarts?
I would never fully give up my common sense for only book smarts, that'd be just straight out ridiculous.
Though, I wish I could type this all out, with out having to use the spell checker every other words that are larger then 6 letters.

One can wish all they want, but do they deserve it? maybe its why they wish for it, is because they don't deserve it. Maybe I ask too many maybe questions.
Maybe I just question things too much, and not give enough answers.
Who knows.

Common sense is the flipside of book smarts, yes? no?
Book smarts gets you in the college, the common sense is what keeps you likable (for the most part)
--
Grades
--
I don't understand grades, not at all
A letter, that tells what your future more then likly holds for you.
But I understand the whole idea.. but I don't know.. Id think that, the world would be a better place if we have schools that would hone ones special skill, and train them in that, and if they decide to change, then so be it. But Why pick 4 main subjects, and force all of them to go to that certain standard?
I understand that part also, But what if they don't succed in that in particular?
god this seems so stupid to ask. ending it here
---

MUCC- Daikirai english translation

So I got kind of bored, and my friend said it'd be a good idea to translate songs, it'd prolly help us re-learn our japanese faster, so~ yeah, first translation- GO~ (sorry its more then likly to not be exact)
-----

Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai
Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

Anata ga daikirai desu

i fucking hate you

Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai
Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

Zutto shitteruto omottemashita

I always thought I knew you

Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai
Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

Anata ga daikirai desu

I fucking hate you

Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai
Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

Sonna ni odorokukoto nai desyou

There's nothing to be so surprised about

Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai
Kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai kirai

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

So...

I did the one thing I never thought I would

make a blog

Lol.. My friend Kennichi made one.. so I kinda figured maybe I could/should make one.
Not for directly copy him, but also because I thought maybe since I don't talk to many people anymore, except for online, that I should do it for mental health reasons.
Maybe also to work on my typing speed or possibly my not-so-colorful vocabular.

So here we go! first blog |:B