transgendered shit

so...with that whole leelah alcorn deal, its reminded me of my own dysphoria...and reminds me of how my boyfriend doesnt accept it, and when I brought it up with him, though I'm fine in my body, feeling as the other gender, he said

"oh god not you too"

though hes known about it well before it became a movement. HELL he started dating me at my peak of crossdressing and dysphoria.... so... wth?
he even helped me cross dress most of the time....

its been pissing me off...ive been briefly bringing it up with most everyone...and I kinda would like to ask people to use the pronouns I would like to be called by...

ill probably never transition. I realized I only want to be the other gender to look hot as hell, and that I wouldnt want to die as the gender I was born....not to mention the cost ;p...

I want to join/talk to a community of transgendered/gender fluid people...though every time I join a forum of some extreme interest, I get chased out....general society...my love for parrots...and even at a comic con where I was SURE id fit right in...

god, id love to slice my skin right now, but I dont want to be caught...

oh...speaking if feeling confused/trapped in this body...ive started to realize the full extend of my bone curvatures. I feel ever more trapped...my rips are starting to press against my lungs....im scared itll press it too hard eventually...and maybe even puncture it....

tonight, ill probably hurt myself somehow...

maybe ill write a will..you kniw...just. in. case

*I know my life has drastically improved and am now  a whiny little bitch, however, I built this life for myself, nearly by myself and am truely grateful for all ive been able to accomplish...though, I still have these feelings, why....*

another year same shit.

yeah I still remember the idea of writing this for myself to read. I dont update with a computer any more, phones are kind of smart now....though they type like shit...

anyways, 23 now, and I thought this shit would have gone away by now (depression, anxiety, General stress). my best friend fucking lives in the streets, and I cant help her.

I started seeing a therapist, dude named eli..he's ok, only done one session so far but much better compared to the one other person I tried. the anxiety had gotten better, for a while anyways, right now it's on full course though...

how can someone whos basically not scared of most things, be complete scared of nothing?

"scared of nothing, but scared OF nothing."

is how I keep saying it to myself.

OH so...my brothers going to marry his pig of a girlfriend. I can't stand her....she would be alright if she didn't come across so self serving, and so ...not trying....not ambitious...shes ruining my brother, but he wont listen...he'll have to find out the hard way....

speaking of the hard way, the main lesson of 2014 was:
"don't help others so much, let them learn the hard way"
and
"all for help when you need it."

that one I've always had a problem with...
obviously.

idk what else to say....I want to die, I cant stand this anymore, itd be obviously  easier if I weren't here. but....the older I get, the harder it is to consider such a thing...

oh...ive lost weight, but not because I nessessarily want to... (mostly do BUT)
apperently, I have gerd now. that avid reflux shit. stomach acid going back up too often, scaring the esophagus. but o think its a pretty serious case compared to most...they sick a camera down my throat, the worst part? I woke up with it inside me still. actually it was pretty cool, the sensation....sup the GERD thing, makes it so I cant eat: oily, fried, heavy, acidic (oranges...)most meats, or fatty foods. I mean basically all of them...ive been fucking vegetarian the lay 3 months...(nearly, I cantsay no to meat no matter how miserable ill be), waiting on the pathology report for a bump he took out though...

what else...that's most of the news....

I guess ill be moving from my appartment soon...its sad after being here for 4 years, my first appartment ever.

we were riding the high horse for about two years, josh made 14.00 an hour for half of that time,but soon got two promotions back to back up to 17.00 an hour...., I worked one year on a shit hole called Sakura.
We were saving got a house....that is till November 10th...he got laid off and had yet to find work... we got a 1 month package for the lay off but weve used it now...were going to use the money we had saved for a house to survive now...

it was good while it lasted.

im tired of masterbating....