So... 2015, has been what you say...xtreme...from the joys (and stress of) a dream being realized, to a death all too sudden...
I want to list this shit, because i swear, the universe is trying to prove a point.

In spirit of a betterself, better way of thinking, lets start with the positives:

- Received 2, count it 2!,  tax returns (one from a previous year) for a total of about 700.00
- Recieved my first raise!! :3
-

However...as it seems to always go on my life, all the good and joy (no matter how hard i work for it) it has to have its yang to my ying. Balance i guess....
( this is all in September alone)

-Josh is in hot water at work...
- Filed my very first police report on a neighbor....filed a SECOND report on some kids breaking into joshs car...
-The usual late to work Ness (I am not me, if not late)
- been leaving work early for weird health problem
- The next day my grandma was in the hospital. Then in a hospice...ill explain more at the bottom

-... Less than 24 hours she passed away...

- Her final wish is for her to be sent back to japan...from hawaii. So we bought tickets and a hotel that we can barely afford.
- My wisdon teeth decided that "hey what's up?... Im what's up." and are growing into my jaw muscle...
- I cant have them removed...i have the most fucked up teeth growth. In example: lady at emergency dental: "I have worked here for 20 years..this is only the second time weve referred people out...."
- Just a consult with a tooth surgeon is 110.00 and a 3d xray is 125.00...
-Joshs tire poped last night :')
- My job might be in hot water, they're looking for someone to fire... Im looking pretty ripe for the picking...
- Oh did I mention??¿  My dad whos on disability is living at my house?? And has been for a month??¿????¿
Ill edit the grandma part later... I need to sleep...
- I fought to clock out at work, im so fucked....

Lets do this FUCKING SHIT again...

So... 2015, has been what you say...xtreme...from the joys (and stress of) a dream being realized, to a death all too sudden...
I want to list this shit, because i swear, the universe is trying to prove a point.

In spirit if a betterself, better way of thinking, lets start with the positives:

- Received 2, count it 2!,  tax returns (one from a previous year) for a total of about 700.00
- Recieved my first raise!! :3
-

However...as it seems to always go on my life, all the good and joy (no matter how hard i work for it) it has to have its yang to my ying. Balance i guess....
( this is all in September alone)

-Josh is in hot water at work...
- Filed my very first police report on a neighbor....filed a SECOND report on some kids breaking into joshs car...
-The usual late to work Ness (I am not me, if not late)
- been leaving work early for weird health problem
- The next day my grandma was in the hospital. Then in a hospice...ill explain more at the bottom

-... Less than 24 hours she passed away...

- Her final wish is for her to be sent back to japan...from hawaii. So we bought tickets and a hotel that we can barely afford.
- My wisdon teeth decided that "hey what's up?... Im what's up." and are growing into my jaw muscle...
- I cant have them removed...i have the most fucked up teeth growth. In example: lady at emergency dental: "I have worked here for 20 years..this is only the second time weve referred people out...."
- Just a consult with a tooth surgeon is 110.00 and a 3d xray is 125.00...
-Joshs tire poped last night :')
- My job might be in h it water, they're looking for someone to fire... Im looking pretty ripe for the picking...

Ill edit the grandma part later... I need to sleep...

FUCK BLOGGER APP

Seriously??? I made a huge fucking post, left the app for a sec to grab a lil something something for said c post and is gone, and im like ok cool, ill rewrite the fucker, so i rewrote it SAVED IT AS A DRAFT,  and that shit is fine too???!

(oh cool, i cant paste either...)

*slow clap*  - ~-

Bitchin

I think I'm so willing to stand,
since I used to be so ready,
to die by my own hand.

Lil rhymey thing...laying in bed, realized how weak people are, realizing one of my simple dreams coming true: buying a house. And yet, so many people are leaning on me for support.

My mom, my dad, my brother, my best friend, all owe me money over 60.00. The highest being 500.00,atleast. I love them, but damn. Theyre all fuckin adults, and I understand some times are tough, but at this point, its litterally a lack of common sense.

Ive been working a shit server job (this isnt too bad compared to the last restaurant, but its still "serving")
6.50/hr (got a. 50 raise :) )  + tips , usually averaging about 11.00/hr makes it worth my time, even more so since I don't have to wear a uniform.

Hmm.... Soon, everyone will be dropping like flys, from one thing or another....

My dad...well, he was fucked so many times by the system, and did too many drugs..does too many I should say....I'm just glad he's not in the streets...or on my couch...i love him to bits, but I wish hed stop mixing drugs and alcohol...

My mom..she seems best well off, but if she doesn't start taking care of her self, health wise, or stop taking out convenient money, itll be her end,  probably heart attack...

My bro, what kind of relationship is it if you have to make a "goal" for your fiance to meet to get married? Holding a job, or having multiple jobs in a year? Really? She's NOT a future. If she wanted to change, she would have. Simply having a job changes you for the better (usually) socially.

By best friend..well.. I was so ready to forgive you if you just didn't lie to me,  I cant trust you anymore... I knew it wasnt a "stomach " condition,  though I wish it was... I asked you, even straight to your face if you were using, you knew I didn't care,  as long as you could handle you're shit. But you couldn't.  And you did.
Atleast youre trying though. <3 ill be here for you when you're ready to come back.

well i didnt intend on bitchin this long...i have work in the morning
, only working 3 shifts for a while since we "make too much money" for some down payment assistance. I hope it works out...the amount make ia litterally 900.00 too much between 2 people.

Too much for assistance,  too little to actually afford a house, let alone utilities fir said house.

transgendered shit

so...with that whole leelah alcorn deal, its reminded me of my own dysphoria...and reminds me of how my boyfriend doesnt accept it, and when I brought it up with him, though I'm fine in my body, feeling as the other gender, he said

"oh god not you too"

though hes known about it well before it became a movement. HELL he started dating me at my peak of crossdressing and dysphoria.... so... wth?
he even helped me cross dress most of the time....

its been pissing me off...ive been briefly bringing it up with most everyone...and I kinda would like to ask people to use the pronouns I would like to be called by...

ill probably never transition. I realized I only want to be the other gender to look hot as hell, and that I wouldnt want to die as the gender I was born....not to mention the cost ;p...

I want to join/talk to a community of transgendered/gender fluid people...though every time I join a forum of some extreme interest, I get chased out....general society...my love for parrots...and even at a comic con where I was SURE id fit right in...

god, id love to slice my skin right now, but I dont want to be caught...

oh...speaking if feeling confused/trapped in this body...ive started to realize the full extend of my bone curvatures. I feel ever more trapped...my rips are starting to press against my lungs....im scared itll press it too hard eventually...and maybe even puncture it....

tonight, ill probably hurt myself somehow...

maybe ill write a will..you kniw...just. in. case

*I know my life has drastically improved and am now  a whiny little bitch, however, I built this life for myself, nearly by myself and am truely grateful for all ive been able to accomplish...though, I still have these feelings, why....*

another year same shit.

yeah I still remember the idea of writing this for myself to read. I dont update with a computer any more, phones are kind of smart now....though they type like shit...

anyways, 23 now, and I thought this shit would have gone away by now (depression, anxiety, General stress). my best friend fucking lives in the streets, and I cant help her.

I started seeing a therapist, dude named eli..he's ok, only done one session so far but much better compared to the one other person I tried. the anxiety had gotten better, for a while anyways, right now it's on full course though...

how can someone whos basically not scared of most things, be complete scared of nothing?

"scared of nothing, but scared OF nothing."

is how I keep saying it to myself.

OH so...my brothers going to marry his pig of a girlfriend. I can't stand her....she would be alright if she didn't come across so self serving, and so ...not trying....not ambitious...shes ruining my brother, but he wont listen...he'll have to find out the hard way....

speaking of the hard way, the main lesson of 2014 was:
"don't help others so much, let them learn the hard way"
and
"all for help when you need it."

that one I've always had a problem with...
obviously.

idk what else to say....I want to die, I cant stand this anymore, itd be obviously  easier if I weren't here. but....the older I get, the harder it is to consider such a thing...

oh...ive lost weight, but not because I nessessarily want to... (mostly do BUT)
apperently, I have gerd now. that avid reflux shit. stomach acid going back up too often, scaring the esophagus. but o think its a pretty serious case compared to most...they sick a camera down my throat, the worst part? I woke up with it inside me still. actually it was pretty cool, the sensation....sup the GERD thing, makes it so I cant eat: oily, fried, heavy, acidic (oranges...)most meats, or fatty foods. I mean basically all of them...ive been fucking vegetarian the lay 3 months...(nearly, I cantsay no to meat no matter how miserable ill be), waiting on the pathology report for a bump he took out though...

what else...that's most of the news....

I guess ill be moving from my appartment soon...its sad after being here for 4 years, my first appartment ever.

we were riding the high horse for about two years, josh made 14.00 an hour for half of that time,but soon got two promotions back to back up to 17.00 an hour...., I worked one year on a shit hole called Sakura.
We were saving got a house....that is till November 10th...he got laid off and had yet to find work... we got a 1 month package for the lay off but weve used it now...were going to use the money we had saved for a house to survive now...

it was good while it lasted.

im tired of masterbating....