So I visited my first therapist this year....
Shes a strange older lady, and she looks completely uninterested in anything i had to say. Probably heard it all before (?) I don't know, but I don't like it, paying 35 dollars to do what I can do with friends for free? I should try getting a job like hers... just listen to people complain all day.. OH WAIT CALL CENTERS JOB harharharharharharhar....
I think I'll give her one more try, shes easy for me to talk to but shes so unresponsive... and I don't think she understands my generation (I say that because shes 68 years old) I don't know though I know the next thing im going to talk to her about, it'll be a deciding factor.
So on Feb 1st of 2010 I gave my "V-card" to someone I love, just I had hoped to.
With that being said, for roughly 3 months, practically everyday, amazing sex, nearly every freaking day
Then I moved out with my loved one and BAM!!!
Once every 2 weeks, what the fuck! I'm a very sexual individual after figuring out the majestic-ness of fucking. :l
so that lasted for about 4 months,now it's roughly once a month...
It freaks me out honestly, I'm scared, it makes me self concious
Is it me? Or is it them?
Is it not pleasurable for them? but they finish in 4 minutes flat everytime
then i'll be like
"I wanna cum"
"Mkay"
"....you gunna help?"
"You can do it cant you?"
when that happens its like Why bother? it only lasts for 4 minutes, they get to finish, and I get to lay there in pain because of no freaking foreplay to get stimulated for such a event.
Back to what i was saying about being scared
What am I scared about?
I'm scared that:
-They are seeing someone else
-they arn't interested in me physically anymore
-I'm too "boring"
-That it's a "Chore" even if I dont finish or even ask to finish
It's just... I don't know Ive tried to talk to them about how I felt about it and the reaction i get is "Is our relationship built on sex?"
Of course it isn't, I just happen to find it really freaking important since you're my first!
When we do do anything, it makes me feel like I'm being used because I don't get stimulated, they ask me to do alot to them, and I ask for little in return but get nothing. Get fucked painfully do to no stimulation. Then ignored afterward...
I love em to death, and they love me too...But our sex life is just dead.. Im only fucking 19 for god sakes, they are only 18!! so what the hell?
they didn't have the curtousy of telling me that our sex was BORING. I asked and asked and asked about what was wrong, and they just told me "you know I have a low sex drive"
No, that is Bull-SHIT, We fucked like rabits day after day for a good handful of months. Was it just because it was new? I was fresh? and now I'm useless because you know me inside and out?
Why is it I'm still interested in you then??
ugh...I thought.. That after I had moved out, got my own place, someone to love, a home to call my own with a real bed, and a closet that has real hangers to put my cloths on, and not in a suite case...
My own fridge with my own favorite foods, money to get things I want...
I thought I wasn't going to feel this way anymore.
It's not as bad as it used to be, where I didn't even know where I was. Or choking on anxiety even with medicine. But I thought.. Atleast I wouldnt have this tight feeling of sadness and loneliness.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I didn't realise
How long it's been since I've posted anything...
well I guess I should do an update to update myself :B since thats the whole point of this blog in the first place..
let's see... I don't think I'll get this in the right order but I'll try...
I moved out from manitoba ave, and back to my grandmas, stayed there this time for a whole fucking 8 months, I wonder how I survived last time. But this time I was at school, so everyday I would travel 25 miles to school, and another 25 back, excluding what ever miles I traveled with josh.
Oh, I "droped out" Of high school. Doesn't matter I don't care what people will think, sure majority of those who dropped out, were dip shits. I'm not one of those however, I was in a situation where I had to finish as fast as possible and get a real start on my life. I got my ged with flying colours, didn't need to study.
though I threw a fit like no other when the GED tester lady told me i had to re do one of my tests, i thought i had to pay another 95.00 but at least it was only 15.00 :l
I got my first job toward the end of September, I worked at AFNI Inc for CenturyLink for the east coast, which coincidentally will be on the west coast soon since merging with qwest for what ever reason...
I moved out with josh because of said job.
Quit job because of supervisor, I didn't realize till after I had quit this job that I could have gotten her fired instead for calling me a charity case, and a waste of time O_o.. I'm so pissed that i didn't know that at the time. But I figure oh well because I realize how much I hate that line of work via my third job. I stayed at this job for approx. 2.8 months almost long enough to get benefits and what not xP
My second job I got exactly 23 hours later. I worked at a taco place, it was alright, the work was hard, even more so after doing a sitting/office job and not doing anything physically straining.One of the days i did one of the infamous 11 hour shifts, and on a particularly busy day. I was schedule for work the next day, how ever I took that day off because I literally could no walk the next day, my best friend figured i was a pussy because of it, but i don't give a fuck about it because I know that he does physical activities where as I am the person thats inside majority of their life so far, to the point where when i go outside and drive around during the day I find it particularly amazing and beautiful.The management its self was so harassing, they were aweful, mostly the guy that hired me in particular, he was such an asshole. As well as the coworkers i wanted to fucking kick one guy so far hed piss himself >:l
I only stayed here for a month, perfectly >.
-Unemployed for a month here-
my third job, was at RMS, another call center, I worked for Sprint, I took care of people "who couldnt pay their bill" or people who call in tomake payments over the phone.
Yet again i had another dumb ass supervisor, this one was alright, because she sucked up to me because i was best in class, but She was an idiot either way. She had no idea what she was talking about or what she was doing. atleast she was blissfully ignorant = w=
this brings us to where im at now, Ive been unemployed for approx a month again since RMS
but hopefully a opportunity arises with hottopic. Pretty stereotypical of me since how I dress and how I'm emotionally set up. But a jobs a job, and hopefully I can get a discount on pants :P!
thats pretty much it for now...
well I guess I should do an update to update myself :B since thats the whole point of this blog in the first place..
let's see... I don't think I'll get this in the right order but I'll try...
I moved out from manitoba ave, and back to my grandmas, stayed there this time for a whole fucking 8 months, I wonder how I survived last time. But this time I was at school, so everyday I would travel 25 miles to school, and another 25 back, excluding what ever miles I traveled with josh.
Oh, I "droped out" Of high school. Doesn't matter I don't care what people will think, sure majority of those who dropped out, were dip shits. I'm not one of those however, I was in a situation where I had to finish as fast as possible and get a real start on my life. I got my ged with flying colours, didn't need to study.
though I threw a fit like no other when the GED tester lady told me i had to re do one of my tests, i thought i had to pay another 95.00 but at least it was only 15.00 :l
I got my first job toward the end of September, I worked at AFNI Inc for CenturyLink for the east coast, which coincidentally will be on the west coast soon since merging with qwest for what ever reason...
I moved out with josh because of said job.
Quit job because of supervisor, I didn't realize till after I had quit this job that I could have gotten her fired instead for calling me a charity case, and a waste of time O_o.. I'm so pissed that i didn't know that at the time. But I figure oh well because I realize how much I hate that line of work via my third job. I stayed at this job for approx. 2.8 months almost long enough to get benefits and what not xP
My second job I got exactly 23 hours later. I worked at a taco place, it was alright, the work was hard, even more so after doing a sitting/office job and not doing anything physically straining.One of the days i did one of the infamous 11 hour shifts, and on a particularly busy day. I was schedule for work the next day, how ever I took that day off because I literally could no walk the next day, my best friend figured i was a pussy because of it, but i don't give a fuck about it because I know that he does physical activities where as I am the person thats inside majority of their life so far, to the point where when i go outside and drive around during the day I find it particularly amazing and beautiful.The management its self was so harassing, they were aweful, mostly the guy that hired me in particular, he was such an asshole. As well as the coworkers i wanted to fucking kick one guy so far hed piss himself >:l
I only stayed here for a month, perfectly >.
-Unemployed for a month here-
my third job, was at RMS, another call center, I worked for Sprint, I took care of people "who couldnt pay their bill" or people who call in tomake payments over the phone.
Yet again i had another dumb ass supervisor, this one was alright, because she sucked up to me because i was best in class, but She was an idiot either way. She had no idea what she was talking about or what she was doing. atleast she was blissfully ignorant = w=
this brings us to where im at now, Ive been unemployed for approx a month again since RMS
but hopefully a opportunity arises with hottopic. Pretty stereotypical of me since how I dress and how I'm emotionally set up. But a jobs a job, and hopefully I can get a discount on pants :P!
thats pretty much it for now...
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