let us march!! fml

okay so it's march now.. bah, continuing to question

"why"

bout everything I suppose. I have to say, I'm sitting in the middle of my government class typing a blog, that no one reads, listening to music wondering what everyone in here is thinking vs what I'm thinking about. Feels quite unreal I suppose.

soo recently I moved again, living at my grandmas agai-- here lets just make a list instead XP lol

bad list:
-Moved
-started smoking
-medz dont work for SHIT
-started cutting again sorta @ _@
-failing classes again
-not going to graduate this year
-no one to talk to about this stuff
- moms not helping for shit
-no job
-no money
-stressing my love out from this stuff
-worried about him
-tired of living at grandmas
-gotta live there for the next 6 months
-loss of health
-back hurts like hell
-falling back into old habits/how i used to feel
-unable to concentrate (like right now in government)

Good list
-got an amazing bf naow
-got food
-got clothz
-got shelter
- got an education ( if You'd dare call it that)
- have a ride to places (sorta.. not really)
-got health insurance (i think this is a definite plus in life)
- got 5 dollars in my wallet
- gunna go get my medz changed back so no more cutting whoop :D



So.. im beyond worried about my sweet love,
he recently went to mexico, and he wanted to help out his cousin feel better
so he asked him what he wanted to do
and unfortunately for him his cousin wanted to go to a strip club 6_6..
that part I don't care
its just what happened afterward, which was he felt bad about getting a lapdance, so he ended up cutting quite a bit. I don't know if it was to show how much he loves me (wth) just because of what he cut on himself but.. Like he says to me all of the time , just to call him if I don't feel good. now the problem with this is of course I want him to call me too if he doesn't feel good so.....yeah all I can ask like usual "why can I call him if I don't feel good, but why does he shut himself out from me when he doesn't feel good with out telling me..."

In other news, recently moved bout a month ago.
I'm sitting here wondering how the hell you can make 50k a year/ 27.00 an hour full time job

and still hardly pay for any bills.

the problem is casinos
I hate them horribly. They've destroyed my life
If it wasn't for casinos, my dad wouldn't have left, I wouldn't have moved
i wouldn't have moved again
my mom wouldn't act like she does because she wouldn't be stressed so she wouldn't drink and freak and gamble and lose money.. ugh Life, I swear.
I'm only here now a days only for my love. If that's lost, I WILL take my life
that is a promise.

I already know if I lost him, I'd be lost.
Of course I'd feel horrible about leaving family, like my brother, the only one that I can say honesty matters out of this family of mine.

hmmm so luckly for me this class is almost over just typing my life away right here.
I'll continue this later.

as always; survive, don't give up