Life sucks

Duh..

Lol so anyways, i was thinking the othernight in the hell hole i dare call the place im currently living in, and have for the last 6 months, about how much I wish I had internet so I could do a post like this. I just suppose im lucky that i got the chance to update myself xP even if i dont get to read it for a long time


except that i found out that this place is closed so i cant finish this, night XP

let us march!! fml

okay so it's march now.. bah, continuing to question

"why"

bout everything I suppose. I have to say, I'm sitting in the middle of my government class typing a blog, that no one reads, listening to music wondering what everyone in here is thinking vs what I'm thinking about. Feels quite unreal I suppose.

soo recently I moved again, living at my grandmas agai-- here lets just make a list instead XP lol

bad list:
-Moved
-started smoking
-medz dont work for SHIT
-started cutting again sorta @ _@
-failing classes again
-not going to graduate this year
-no one to talk to about this stuff
- moms not helping for shit
-no job
-no money
-stressing my love out from this stuff
-worried about him
-tired of living at grandmas
-gotta live there for the next 6 months
-loss of health
-back hurts like hell
-falling back into old habits/how i used to feel
-unable to concentrate (like right now in government)

Good list
-got an amazing bf naow
-got food
-got clothz
-got shelter
- got an education ( if You'd dare call it that)
- have a ride to places (sorta.. not really)
-got health insurance (i think this is a definite plus in life)
- got 5 dollars in my wallet
- gunna go get my medz changed back so no more cutting whoop :D



So.. im beyond worried about my sweet love,
he recently went to mexico, and he wanted to help out his cousin feel better
so he asked him what he wanted to do
and unfortunately for him his cousin wanted to go to a strip club 6_6..
that part I don't care
its just what happened afterward, which was he felt bad about getting a lapdance, so he ended up cutting quite a bit. I don't know if it was to show how much he loves me (wth) just because of what he cut on himself but.. Like he says to me all of the time , just to call him if I don't feel good. now the problem with this is of course I want him to call me too if he doesn't feel good so.....yeah all I can ask like usual "why can I call him if I don't feel good, but why does he shut himself out from me when he doesn't feel good with out telling me..."

In other news, recently moved bout a month ago.
I'm sitting here wondering how the hell you can make 50k a year/ 27.00 an hour full time job

and still hardly pay for any bills.

the problem is casinos
I hate them horribly. They've destroyed my life
If it wasn't for casinos, my dad wouldn't have left, I wouldn't have moved
i wouldn't have moved again
my mom wouldn't act like she does because she wouldn't be stressed so she wouldn't drink and freak and gamble and lose money.. ugh Life, I swear.
I'm only here now a days only for my love. If that's lost, I WILL take my life
that is a promise.

I already know if I lost him, I'd be lost.
Of course I'd feel horrible about leaving family, like my brother, the only one that I can say honesty matters out of this family of mine.

hmmm so luckly for me this class is almost over just typing my life away right here.
I'll continue this later.

as always; survive, don't give up

so i have a question

Is it regular to adore the feeling of wanting to shread people to pieces, watching all the blood fall, the horrid face of the victim?

I dont think so.. I dont know though, i havnt felt like this in years, but it feels so good, i have to say im addicted to it.

"I'm not insane, Im not insane"


well fml i feel horrible now.. ugh i dont know how to make it feel better

But now im wondering how the hell am i loveable?
i maen hell, i:

-Complain alot
-Complain alot
-im annoying
-i ramble on and on alot
-when i fraek, i freak
-i get obsessed to easly
-im hella nerdy
-i wouldnt be surprised if i creep people out easly O ^O
.......

Revising

I was reading one of my old posts about my posts

Hell yeah this is a post about a post that was about my posts (you:.. this is just fukkin ridiculous now..why do i bother reading this shit O_O)

You don't >.>.. anyways

What job would I enjoy now a days?

well...

---
Artist
---

I think i could handle it now a days , my skills have improved, my imagenation has grown back to how it used to be. I dont know, it'd be interesting though having deadlines XP for art (pishhaah...)

----
Air plain pilot for airforce
----

I don't think I'll pu---- Meh.. apperently i dont like theses posts, No more posts for now, watching star trek xB *geek face* so yeahhh.... Peace

Okay so..

So, about a year later..

There's updates to be told.. Behold the long long loonggg first post of 2010.

so... The best thing that I never thought would happen to me.. 12/05/2009..

the love of my life, my high school sweet heart, the guy that stole my heart, my true love, and more then likely my soul mate..

I don't know how this happened.. but this is how i think it did :

"Good things come to those who wait"

-Anon

This is a good quote to live by. I started to believe it was a load of bullshit around my second year being straight up single. my 4th year single, I came across the guy I thought I had finally earned.

But now I realized after he had dumped me 6 days later, that he was the last test to earn my other half.

But now this raises the question: Why all of these tests? why earn your perfect half?

I still don't know, remember this is a memoir of a sort of a emo kid.

mmm... but, anyways

at first I didn't like this guy, but he liked me...

Story time children :)

It's the night before the first day of school, I'm thinking about how the summer had transformed this person, to what is called "scene". Anyways, I was just sitting at my desk, drawing out what I was to look the next day to get a glimpse. As I sat there looking at the drawing, I had to question myself: Who am I?, who is this I'm drawing? ,

The next day I dress myself to the drawing, feeling nice, but I'd have to say, very empty.

I was awe'd at, gawked at, pointed at, and drooled over. It was neato compared to how it used to be.

At lunch, my friend ran to me, to tell me about this guy.. that looked exactly like me. Okay so the night before I had also thought "pfft no ones going to look like me at alllllll" I mean who the HELL sprays their hair STRAIGHT up? apperently he and I did. So I went on an epic adventure all aruond my school, easly waking about 4 miles easy just looking for this guy.

No luck

The next day, my hair down, not sprayed up but still up in a different way. I walked into my English class, went to a corner to put my longboard away, I turn around and almost walk into a very tall male. I look up, to find this guy, that looked like me..

hmm.. from that day on I worked up some guts to say hi and ask him his name. at first i liked him, till I got to know him better about his past.. and I chose a shallow option.. I wish I didn't.

But if I didn't wait to get to know him, and go out with someone else and get devastated, I probably wouldn't be so in love, and so happy.

In that time I had been hurting him by going out with someone else. He had given me advice, but also had found some of my own. I think I should put them together

"Live life, have fun, and wait, just wait, it maybe hard, but just do it."

-

"just do it"

-Me (Lol)

"Leave your heart open, and love will let it's self in"

- Jewelry commercial

I know, the last ones weird. but I dont now what happened, I was walking out of my moms room one day with a jewelry commercial playing, and I heard this quote.. and I don't know, it just got stuck in my head.

Hmmm.. so yeah thats all in the last couple of months, so break down time:

- I had 2 boyfriends this year (one turned out to be a hardcore pussy D<>

- learned some valuable lessons

Hmm.. I don't know what else to type.. other then I can't believe, how being happy effects everything.

All I can say is, Wait and

Don't give up