its official.

dear mom,

Its not a phase.

I'm 22 now and still feel the same...

Someone needs a life style change~

Ive successfully held my job for 8 months
even though its hell
Im slowly making my way to a "proper" adult.... kinda sucks honestly. So much I want to do, so little motivation (and money). or rather on off motivation. at first its extreme, then very little, then extreme...then veryyy little...

thank god for genetics, other wise my love for food and slothfullness would guarantee me being the size of a house *luckly only 30 lbs over my perfect weight* >.<....

The Positives

It's not all bad now though.
Training yourself to think positive isn't half bad. Hard, but obviously worth it

Im sure I said this 3 years ago in a previous post, I got my own place, with my wonderful fiance.
But more recently
--I've gotten myself a job last August which I had sucessfully kept for 7 months before quitting ( in the worst way possible) however just last week asked me to come back!  (the hells wrong with em?? lol)
-- I was able to pay for my teeth to get mostly fixed! (no more gapping hole <3)
2 root canals! they actually felt pleasant. maybe compared to missing portion of your tooth prolly.

-- last october I got my very own car!! my first car even <3 a b-day present to myself for getting a job I used to like. it was 6k c:
an 04 toyota in great condition.

the fact I got off of street drugs and actual medication (even with what feel like perma life altering effects)...

lets see... hmm... theres not much more I can think of... well it isssd almost 4 am. I gotta sleep~

I guess everythings not -as- bad as it makes itself out to be.

2 years later.

I'm not sure what to say.

I'm 22 now, and still holding firm to my angsty self unfortunately... I've been thinking about this blog, these old posts. This was deffinately a great idea. To remember the old self. The old feelings.

...To realize how much of myself I've truely lost this time around...

At first I thought it was my addiction to a rather hard drug for a year and a half ( as of june 2013). I've sobered since *technically* and only rebound once (december 2013).

What I've lost this time isn't just some mental stability/rapid teen emotions, but something a bit more physical. I've lost what feels like... 40% + of my memory/ short-term memory. Or rather the ability TO recall memories properly. I've forgotten event that were dear to me. Tried to tell someone what they said from the same event even though it was litterally them WHO was the one that said it... make sense?
prolly not. I don't blame you.

But what I was saying a moment ago was: is my huge memory loss due to the addiction that didn't last long... or...what I find even more disturbing...

My abrupt stop of taking Lexapro (ssri 10mg) medication that I had also quit in June of 2013?

The more I look into, the more I'm concerned.
Noone whom I had shared the same addiction *who still use regularly btw* havent experienced anything CLOSE to what I have.I know not everyones the same...

I was planning to quit lexapro properly. which turned out you REALLY SHOULD be supervised intensely to make sure no adverse effects happen. Well. I didnt get a chance to. I tried my best on my own with what little info I got and could find via research online, but there's only so much you can do when you are 5 days away from running out if medication your doctor refused to refill via phone call. She insisted to make an appointment before refilling. Well she decided to go on vacation, which I totally understand, however, to leave a patient without a medication that could potentially put you into shock from abrupt usage, and die from withdrawls?

I'm certian now that it was this medication that litterally put me through hell from the withdrawls. Something that litterally reconfigures your chemical processes so viciously....

I however attempted a tapering method with what I did have. however I donr thing it eased any of the horrific withdrawl effects. Imagen not knowing where you are, not being able to do something as simple as turning your head with out a extreme visual/orientation disturbance.

You know that feeling from a great somg that sends shovers down your spine and goose bumps? feels great right? now triple that feeling, but to ANY sound you hear. It hurts. you can't even listen to your favorite music because you'll be in physical sensory pain.

When you stand still the world warps around you, you constantly feel like you're on a hill incline (everything slightly diagonal).

and thats almostly only half of the withdrawls I felt.

as for the street drug I was addicted tos withdrawls?

craved only for 3 days after, which really isn't hard to get over.
and a slight extra tiredness/less concentration for about a week.

that was it. That was all.

But the big pharma drug?
- brain zaps
- visual disturbances
- orientation disturbances
- extreme physical sensitivity
- constant nausea
- occastional vomiting/gagging
- lack of appetite
- looking like n feeling like your sick with a flu constantly
- moderate paranoia
- agoraphobia (fear of leaving your safe haven[typically your house])
- extreme anxiety
- depression because you don't know whats going on with your body and mind

it's just.... I wish I was never put on the medication... but I know at the same time I don't think I would have made it through what I was going through without it.

idk. I feel truely broken now. I dont know if this memory problem will heal it get worse... I feel like I have dementia already... The biggest fear is living my whole life with these types of feelings and memory only getting worse, and not growing up anymore. gorever frozen in the mindset if a 17 year old... or was it 16 when I started lexapro...I don't even remember.....

from july 2013 to approx November 2013 where the intense withdrawls. Even now I feel them occasionally. (march 2014)
November was when I felt them decease a bit.

but to be honest: I'm a true believer in Pot/weed because of this experience... it really can ease the mind...  I've never really agreed with the stuff untill it gave me such a peace of mind and the ease of all my withdrawls.

I cried the moment my physical living hell was slightly erased temporarily...

....fear....a truely overrated yet underrated emotion....